HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

 

During one of my live seminars, a woman asked me a common question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?”

 

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?”

 

In all seriousness, how do you know?

 

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and here’s the answer.

 

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

 

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love…because it’s happening TO YOU.

 

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

 

Falling is love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

 

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

 

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

 

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

 

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

 

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

 

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

 

And make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

 

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

 

That’s why I created the Marriage Fitness system. So you would have a step-by-step system for making and maintaining love in your marriage. And the program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. If you’d like to explore Marriage Fitness risk-free, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

 

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

 

 

HOW COULD EVERYTHING CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY

HOW COULD EVERYTHING CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY

 

I came across this quote today and wanted to share it with you. You may find that it relates to your marital situation. 

 

“The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.”

-         Peter Devries

 

Hi. My name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

 

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.

 

“Personality” is easy to understand. Your “personality” is how people experience you. It’s your public persona.

 

But what is “character?” And why is “character” so crucial in your marriage?

 

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

 

Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.

 

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

 

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other’s PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I’m not saying you tricked each other. It’s just your personality…how you display yourself to others.

 

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that’s when you meet for the first time…again!

 

You and your spouse don’t meet the person who charmed each other’s friends, bought gifts for each other’s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it’s a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

 

In many cases, it’s not only that you’re meeting each other for the first time, but it’s that you’re meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.

 

Most people wouldn’t be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don’t recognize their own behavior. “I’m just not myself with him/her.” Well then who is that person? That’s YOU…it’s your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

 

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don’t like their spouse. It’s that they don’t like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don’t like what they see.

 

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

 

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: “You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.”

 

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.

 

Many people who apply the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal tell me that it not only restored their marriage, but it was a personal fixing for them too. If you’d like to explore that risk-free, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

 

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

 

 

YOUR MARRIAGE AND THE GOOSE THAT LAID GOLDEN EGGS

YOUR MARRIAGE AND THE GOOSE THAT LAID GOLDEN EGGS

 

Do you know Aesop’s fable about the goose and the golden eggs?

 

Let me share it with you and explain how it relates to your marriage.

 

Hi. This is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

 

The fable is about a poor farmer who discovers that his goose is laying golden eggs.

 

At first the farmer thinks it must be a trick. But when he gets the eggs appraised, he learns that they’re pure gold!

 

The farmer can’t believe it. And he gets even more excited when he realizes that the goose is laying golden eggs EVERYDAY. Eventually, the farmer becomes fabulously wealthy.

 

But the farmer tires of caring for the goose and waiting day after day for the golden eggs. So he decides to kill the goose and get all the golden eggs at once. But when he opens the goose, there are no golden eggs. And now the goose is gone too.

 

How does this relate to your marriage?

 

A good relationship lays many golden eggs: security, companionship, fun, intimacy, just to name a few. In the words of Jerry McGuire, “You complete me.” And that’s exactly how we feel when we’re in a successful marriage…COMPLETE.

 

But the golden eggs of a marriage are THE RESULT OF tending to the relationship (the goose).

 

Over time, most people grow tired of caring for their marriage. Most people become selfish and impatient. So they stop extending common courtesies, being sensitive, and thoughtful. They stop giving their marriage time and energy. And they treat the person closest to them in a way they would never treat even a stranger on the street.

 

The amazing thing is that most people’s inappropriate behavior in their marriage is, in their mind, an effort to grab some golden eggs. In other words, people aren’t trying to sabotage their marriage. They’re trying to get what they want. They’re trying to get the golden eggs. But their behavior is killing the goose!

 

In the beginning of your marriage, your relationship is strong and indestructible. But if you want the goose to keep laying the golden eggs, you’ve got to learn how to take care of it. 

 

It’s easy to fall in love. But maintaining a marriage that lays golden eggs year after year is something very few people know how to do.

 

But the fact is, it’s not hard. You can do it! You simply have to know how.

 

Remember the first time you tried to use a computer? Overwhelmed right? “How does this work?” But once someone showed you; from then on it was easy.

 

Renewing your marriage and maintaining love in your relationship is kind of like learning to use a computer. It’s seems impossible; until someone shows you how to do it.

 

Love is NOT a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

 

If you want to learn how to nurse the goose back to health so that it lays those golden eggs again, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

 

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

HOW TO FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN

HOW TO FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN

 

The closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to step on their toes. And being married to someone certainly puts you in close quarters. So the chances are good that you and your spouse have sore feet.

 

Okay, enough of the smelly metaphor. The point is that it's NORMAL for you and your spouse to err and for those "misses" to cause hurt…sometimes serious hurt.

 

Did your spouse hurt you? Have you made mistakes that hurt your spouse?

 

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

 

Except in the case of physical abuse, you can "move on" from anything. In fact, your marriage can end up even BETTER!

 

I know…you're probably thinking, “Better? How could it be better than before we screwed up?”

 

It CAN be better, but you have to do one thing first. You have to forgive.

 

What does it REALLY mean to forgive?

 

Many people will say, “I forgive you,” but continue to harbor anger in their heart. Some people say the words, but it's obvious from their actions that things are still different.

 

Other people will say “I forgive you” but what they really mean is, “I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.” And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect.

 

Saying “I forgive you” is an entirely different ball game than truly forgiving.

 

Look carefully at the word “forgive.” It tells you what it means. “For-Give”…in other words, to GIVE as you did beFORE.

 

That's true forgiveness. When you GIVE of yourself like you did beFORE you were hurt, then you know you’ve forgiven. When you stand as close to your spouse as you stood the day your feet got stepped on—that's forgiveness.

 

That's not easy to do. But it is possible. You can forgive each other and move on. And once you forgive, you'll see that your marriage will be BETTER than it was before. You'll be happy that the mistake was made (in a strange way) because you'll realize that you would never have achieved the love you finally did without that mistake as your catalyst.

 

Did you know that when a broken bone heals, it's stronger than it was before it was broken? You too can be STRONGER than before things broke down between you and your spouse.

 

Did you ever make love after a big fight? Did you ever think after you made-up, “Hey, this is great? We should fight more often.” (Ha Ha) Sometimes the highest-highs follow the lowest-lows.

 

But you have to know how to reconcile. You have to know how to get to a place of sincere forgiveness. If you want to achieve that and if you want to learn how to renew your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE.

 

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

HOW TO RENEW YOUR MARRIAGE WITH 1 DECISION

HOW TO RENEW YOUR MARRIAGE WITH 1 DECISION

 

Were your mom and dad happily married? Is your marriage like theirs was?

 

If you’re having marriage problems, the chances are good that your parents struggled in their marriage too. Research shows that if your parents divorced, then your marriage is more likely to end in divorce as well.

 

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

 

Freud documented well the impact that heredity and upbringing has on a person’s fate. We learn “tapes” early-on that we play again and again oblivious to how they control (and destroy) our lives. But does that mean the destiny of your marriage was determined years ago? Does that mean your fate was sealed by your genes and your childhood?

 

There is no doubt that you have deeply rooted relationship instincts. But those instincts do NOT have you.

 

Your past constantly vies for control of your future, but at the end of the day YOU have a CHOICE. Your domain is this moment, and every moment, when you can DECIDE to write a new script. At any time, in every time, you can decide to be the master of your destiny; rather than a victim to your past.

 

This, by the way, is the real value in understanding your past and your childhood roots. So that you can consciously REJECT what you know doesn’t work and replace old habits with new ways.

 

This, of course, is no simple task. Not only because it’s hard to break old habits and learn new ways, but also because most people are more comfortable doing what’s familiar yet destructive rather than what’s constructive but unfamiliar. In other words, most people are happier doing what they know doesn’t work than they are working on something that they don’t know.

 

But that’s what it takes to be a “transition person.” A transition person is someone who breaks free from unhealthy relationship patterns that have been in their family for generations. You are by no means a product solely of your heredity or environment. There is a third element: YOUR DECISION. And that trumps ALL past events.

 

By the way, this, in my opinion, is the real meaning of marriage education…educating someone to acquire the ability to CHOOSE their behavior.

 

A successful marriage is not something that just happens; you have to craft it. It’s a result of deliberate and conscience decisions to make a new way in your relationship.

 

If you’re ready to script a new chapter in your marriage and learn how to make a new way in your relationship, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe.
It's FREE.

 

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach

HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO CHANGE

HOW TO GET YOUR SPOUSE TO CHANGE

In your quest to fix your marriage, you may
encounter resistance--from your spouse!

Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why "this
just won't work for us" and blame you for every
one.

Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out"
of the marriage and not care about your efforts to
improve the situation or be willing to extend any
effort of their own.

This is, by far, the most common question people
ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"

Why would your spouse resist POSITIVE change in
your marriage and what should you do about it?

Hi, I'm Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

There's a deep-seeded belief in our culture that
people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain
status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's
not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.

Think about it. We have no problem with change
that WE INITIATE ourselves. But when we feel
forced or manipulated to change, then we resist
WITH ALL OUR MIGHT.

Your spouse may not be willing to change for the
sake of your marriage right now, but that’s not
because your spouse doesn’t want a great marriage.
Everyone wants a great marriage. It’s because if
they’re going to change, they want the change to
be THEIR IDEA!!!!!!

I promise you; your spouse will decide to change
when they’re ready to change and not one second
before. And the more you push them, urge them,
nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them,
the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I know it’s
hard to wait, but you have to let it come from them.

It’s possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse to
change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It’s sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or
encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could do.

Mary Ellen (name changed) came to me for marriage
coaching. She knew she had to make changes and
came to our sessions with a genuine interest to
improve her marriage. She wanted Tom (her husband)
to be part of the process, but he wasn’t willing
to join her. She had been asking him to go with
her to get help for over a year. But Tom
consistently refused.

I met with Mary Ellen twice and convinced her to
back-off Tom and just let him be for a while. I
counseled her to make some changes that created a
more positive energy in their relationship. When
the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen
ask Tom is he would be willing to speak with ME
for 10 minutes. Mary Ellen’s timing was good. Tom
agreed.

Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he
agreed to join Mary Ellen in the marriage coaching
sessions.

Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something in
7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn’t get him to do
in over a year? It’s true I know how to handle
these situations, but there were 2 other important
factors:

1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to
make his own choice.

2. The inspiration came from someone other than
his wife.

Your effort to change your spouse is probably
COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that
you’re "in the way." You need to get out of the
way and create the space for your spouse to CHOOSE
to change. That’s the only way it’ll ever happen.

I can’t tell you how times a spouse will say to me
that their husband/wife changed for a few days,
but then returned to their old ways. That’s
because they never really decided to change. They
were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it
didn’t stick.

If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great
idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.

Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but
isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's choice?" YES, there is! YOU CAN BE AN
INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your spouse see how
the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel
about yourself and your marriage.

Resist the urge to believe that your marriage
won’t change until your spouse "gets with the
program." The love YOU feel is much more a result
of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your
spouse does for it.

We tend to think that the love in our marriage is
in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it--if we love--then we feel
love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.

Consider the love you feel for your children. Is
it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they’re such angels? Of course not. The
love you feel for your children is a result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your
marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire your
spouse to make the choice to change than to make
that choice yourself.

It happens quite often that one spouse will
register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
in the "Lone Ranger" track and then half way
through the program they will switch to the "Duo"
track which is designed for couples participating
TOGETHER. What caused their spouse to change their
mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to
create a space in their relationship for their
spouse to make a choice to change. Second, they
showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to
make that choice and the impact it could have on
their marriage.

Very often one spouse will come to me for marriage
coaching and ask if it makes sense for them to be
coached alone. The answer, is ABSOLUTELY yes! One
spouse can make more than a 50% difference in a
marriage. And that difference is often exactly what
will get the other spouse to open up to marriage
coaching too.

"You can lead me a mile, but you can’t push me an
inch."

So, bottom line...as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You must
be the change you wish to see..." It's YOU
changing that has the greatest impact on YOUR
EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing
that is the single most important thing you can do
to motivate your spouse to change.

If you’re ready to learn what changes you need to
make in your marriage and if you want to learn how
to inspire your spouse to begin to make changes
too, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report
"7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE
marriage assessment too. CLICK HERE to subscribe.
It's FREE.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach

 

A SURPRISING SOLUTION TO YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS

If you're reading an article about how to improve your marriage, you're probably expecting to learn problem-solving strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is none of those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Hi, my name is Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and unlike other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective, for me marriage renewal is very personal. I'd like to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was just one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but things just aren’t the same, right?

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn't want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn’t. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn’t. We went through different stages of “trying.”

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice we got (books, counselors, CD's, whatever) asked us to face our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

Then we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS and try to CONNECT with each other.

We used "POSITIVE relationship exercises" that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences, we fell in love again! And we did it—not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were)—but by establishing HEALTHY HABITS that brought positive energy to our relationship.

This is the solution to most marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and SPEND YOUR TIME AND ENERGY building your relationship through POSITIVE ACTIONS.

It's counter intuitive, but if you strengthen your relationship, most of your problems will dissipate and what remains of them can be more easily resolved in a safer, softer, and more forgiving marital environment.

Before you deal with your problems, you first have to build good will with each other.

If your marriage is stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. If your timing is off, trying to solve problems with your spouse will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution.

If you have lower-back problems, sometimes the solution is to do sit-ups. Strengthening one part of your body can heal another. Your marriage works in a similar way.

Now you can see why my system for relationship renewal, Marriage Fitness, is fundamentally different from any other approach to relationship success. It’s not about conflict-resolution or communication skills because these are NOT the key to renewing a marriage. The key is NOT to fix what’s wrong. The key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to make things right in your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

Marriage Fitness offers you a step-by-step system to make and maintain love in your marriage. The program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it. And the best news is that you don't have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it's Marriage Fitness.

CLICK HERE to receive the FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage," a FREE confidential marriage assessment, and FREE information about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal.

Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach